#11: Landlines

"Daddy, why is that man talking on a string?" is likely something I'll hear in the next 10 years. Hollywood might be able to scrub out smoking from their old movies, but the landline cannot be erased.

What a strange notion it will seem, the idea that we had to run wiring across the country to communicate with each other. It's very much like the two-cans-and-a-string invention, though put on an international scale. We even laid wire underneath the ocean.

But now colleges are debating whether or not to even have landlines. As the great recession ripples, people are giving up their landlines. And sure Vonage is pretty freaking cheap, but Skype is cheaper. Even Iowans are fast to join the wireless world. In fact, the move toward landline cutting is most prevalent in the midwest. Of course, in many countries landlines have long been abandoned. Even three years ago, 10% of americans were wireless-only.

We hear less and less that that cellphones cause cancer. There's a cellphone just for the elderly. Even Sprint, the phone company for old people, is selling commercial air time promoting the wireless age. Soon enough, even our cell phones won't need wires.

What will happen to those billions of miles of telephone wires? I have no idea. At least the birds will still have a place to sit.

Also: telemarketers.

#10: General Motors

While I realize the thousands of people employed by "General Motors" will surely miss GM, let's hope many of them were nearing retirement age anyway.

And with Obama now finally putting his foot down (the mouth) of these over-eager, destructive companies, the future for GM gets darker by the hour. (Wagoner will be fine with his $20 million pension, btw).

Here's the thing with GM post-Bush. While 43 and his army of gas and oil cronies spent 8 years trying to corral the world oil through false flag operations and fake pretensions for war, they neglected to believe in one thing: American ingenuity.

The right-wing of American politics seems to think American companies cannot survive change. If they regulated fuel economy, GM would sink. If they mandated new fuel technology, GM would sink. If they dictated for a greener economy, GM would sink.

The thing they miss is: American companies are the best in the world at dealing with change. They are huge fish in an economy built to change. It can easily be said that companies must change or die. Change is a mandate for growth. So why didn't they believe in our home-grown companies while Toyota, Honda and the rest of the world was working toward cleaner cars? Why didn't they place even a modicum of faith in American enterprise?

I'm not one to blame Bush for everything (just nearly everything) but this one is clearly on him. Had he and his oil-rich friends saw the clear writing on the wall and forced Detroit to deal with ecological catastrophe, GM would not be on this blog.

But he didn't and they are.

#9: NBC

One of the main dinosaur networks is going away, my friend thinks its CBS. But I've long contended it's the National Broadcasting Company. For one, its parent company, "General Electric" is hobbling along, and soon enough it's going to look at an arm to chomp off. Selling the rights to its sports programming and legacy shows like Saturday Night Live will turn a pretty penny, too (Notre Dame football though? Not so much). And for chrissake, any other network would gladly buy the Today show to replace "Good Morning Douchechills" (Fox maychance?)

But instead of giving Leno the axe, they gave him a 10 o'clock spot. They've partnered with Microsoft (# __?). If they take one more misstep, they'll actually be walking backwards. CNBC much?

Don't worry, fair readers, The Office will live on (on, you know, the internet) and despite the ratings of 30 Rock, a show about a show about a network about a, network? There's not much left of this tottering beast.

Their best bet for survival is going more with folks like Keith Olbermann or Rachel Maddow. People that have an opinion and report, you know, actual news, but the corporate goliath that towers above them will never let such opinions loose without some serious kickbacks.

So thanks, National Broadcasting Company, for your years of entertainment.

Also: Analog?

#8: Privacy

Privacy is deader than a doornail. And good riddance.

A few years back, the Ars Electronica Festival--probably the one festival in the world I would trade a finger to attend--held the theme of privacy. But not in the way you think. The symposium was titled "Goodbye Privacy." Why the lack of privacy is good--why it's safer, more cohesive to society and brings us closer together. At first though, the American in me stood up to these nutcases. "How can you say such a thing??!"

I'm not a lawyer, hell, and I'm not about to speak to the post-doctoral crowd out there on the subject, but the fact remains you can find out all about me with a few clicks of the mouse. Identity theft happens to like 1 in a billion people, folks, no matter how much the credit card companies try to upsell us on programs to "protect us."

With the advent of the internet, and especially web 2.0, our lives are out there for everyone to see. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and we all live on Glass Ave. Should we protect children from being stalked? Absolutely of course. Should we keep some secrets secret? Sure. Does it matter if people get my PIN number? Well, if you want $171.08, go for it. It's 4425.

People claim the recent news about the NSA or the cameras in our cities are Orwell's Big Brother. Well, my big brother was pretty nice actually. And the government is now watching you? I have a little bit of a news flash for you, my friend, they've always been watching you. A better question would be: why are you so nervous?

I can look into my house on Google maps, I can look up my girlfriend from two decades ago on the internet and if i get kidnapped, I hope someone can use GPS to find me. So Facebook wants to track my every move, so what? I like Christpher Cross and Arby's.

Big f'ng whoop.

#7: Starbucks

Holy shoot, readers everywhere just dropped a collective poop.

Indeed, if there's one place the Local First movement will make an impact it's in the coffee arena. No one should buy things from national chains they can't get locally, and everyone, everywhere, has an indie coffeeshop in need of love.

And that's where Sturbooks has a problem. Sure, you've got your wack-ass CD compilations and your new "value deals" but the fact is, what you do is coffee. And coffee is everywhere. Plus, judging by the way they are retracting, selling instant coffee and having to deal with people brewing their own coffee, its starting to look grim.

We'd much rather buy coffee from friendly neighborhood dude than you, and we're about to flex some serious buy-local muscle on your ass. In the end, the people that started this whole "coffee is awesome, drink coffee" thing were the Gen X-types, and they are the ones with power, if only for a few years, but oh boy what we'll do with it. Hell, if nothing else, we might just open our own coffeeshops and slowly replace the megachain with an indie-web all our own.

Granted, Starbucks has developed a series of unique drinks that people idolize (looking at you, Frappuccino) but in the end, when the decision comes down to who is more important, the local coffeeshop owner around the corner or the megalith mongoid reamerface next door, I'm betting the reamer gets it.

And, most importantly, people vote with their addictions. They are addicted to caffeine (congrats!) but now we'll serve our addictions with the neighborhood dealer.

As it should be.

#6: Vinyl

I know, music head dude, vinyl! How can you possibly do without vinyl?

Well, let me ask you a question: How do you get rid of vinyl? What, for the love of christ, are we going to do with the billions and billions of records out there? Have you been to the Goodwill lately? Those huge piles of Barbara Streisand LPs aren't exactly flying out the door.

The fact is vinyl is one of the most descructive enterprises our environment has had to take on. Why do you think most vinyl is made in places like the former Czechoslovakia? Because that's where the vinyl trees are?

It's because it's massively harmful to produce (cancer, birth defects and respiratory problems, &c.). And yes, oo, record covers, but holmes, how about we just make the cover for you? Would that make you happy?

I currently have about 2,000 records in a closet at home and I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do with them. Physically moving records is an absolute nightmare, and I couldn't build a house out of them because if that house burned to the ground I'd kill like thousands of birds.

Some people will sure miss vinyl. Especially those weird people that sit on top of their collections and call them "stores." But the vinyl we have will be around for centuries, and we can't miss anything that cannot go away.

Despite the constant revival of stories by boomers in the media declaring vinyl alive! Let's call it dead so we can stop killing birds.

Also: Serato.

#5: The Postal Service

No, indie boy, not the band, but the USPS. The Post Office.

As it stands now I get four different things in the mail:

1. Bills for overdue credit cards and loans.

-- These people call me every hour on the hour. Do I really need to get wasteful letters from them as well? And as far as regular bills go, I do everything from the bill-paying program at my bank's website. I even get bills that ask me if I no longer want bills!

2. Catalogs

-- Oh yes, catalogs. Considering I don't have any money to pay for this stuff, it's a bit like waving it in my face. Although I don't think I've ever bought anything from Pottery Barn, and I don't think I ever will. There are catalogs on teh webterboobs, they are called websites.

3. Letters from relatives I don't know that well.

Look me up on Facebook, folks. And I won't miss your Christmas letter about Jesus, either.

4. Magazines.

-- I can get the cheapest magazines delivered to my house but most often I buy nicer ones at a bookstore and/or drugstore when I am interested in what they are writing about. Plus some of the best ones put it all online anyway.

I know, I know, the USPS is a huge entity with many jobs. But it's also a part of the US government that spends my tax dollars to advertise its monopoly (??!). As they tell people to go online and close offices, they also force people into ugly shorts and sends them out to contend with wild dogs.

As the USPS is considering not delivering on Saturdays, I wonder if we can get them to not deliver to us at all? Maybe an opt-out type of system? I understand those in rural areas depend on the mail (hell, half of them don't have teh netnets) but for me an many other urbanites, mail is becoming a pain in the ass.

So long, USPS. Don't worry, the nostalgia for the days when we had people deliver us little slips of paper will live on.

Just not here.

#4: JC Penney

Whenever I think of JC Penney, I think of some old-tyme dry goods shop where you could still buy something, anything, for a penny. A penny! (They're named after their founder James Cash Penney, as it turns out).

Now clearly such a dinosaur has been over-run with Targets and Wal-Marts and Best Buys and CVS and Walgreens. The "department store" itself is an antiquated concept. At over 100 years old, JC Penney, your time is up.

It had a boomtime, to be sure. They bought banks, swallowed drug store chains whole and grew to include over 1,000 stores.

Alas, many of their stores are in suburban shopping malls, otherwise known as the future home of roving gangs of outlaw children (or, wait, isn't that what they are now?). The last time I was in a shopping mall was, let's see here, trying to remember, oh, when I bought some replacement parts for my camera.

There's parts I'll miss to be sure. Some of my first moments experiencing intimacy, for example, came in the bathroom with Penney's bra ads--but now we have teh nutterbut for that. And as they launch new line after new line to entice someone, anyone, to cross its dilapidated threshold, it's clear the writing is on the wall.

Consider this the wall and this the writing.

So long Penneys.

#3: SUVs

Without a doubt, if there was one sign of our impending economic doom, it was these monstrosities. When we look back on the giant sucking sound that is the world's economy, one look at the SUV and historians will say: What were they thinking?

Perhaps the best personal illustration I can provide would be the one of the my mother, all 5' 2" of her, who proudly owned a, yes, Lincoln Navigator. The Navigator is one garish beast, probably the most cumbersome of all SUVs. Not only is it a titantic, gas-chugging nightmare, but it's also ridiculously extravagant, with leather interior, mahogany paneling the works. When visiting home, mom would drive, really hardly being able to see over the steering wheel. She's a great driver, so I never felt unsafe, but how could I? If we were running over small deer I wouldn't have any idea.

And the spite lingers. The more the economy collapses, the more glares the people who drive these tanks get. But how would they even see our stares? And, really, hybrids? Give me a break.

If the economic revolution ever does arrive in a violent wave, I could certainly imagine vehicles like these becoming targets for some sort of vandalism (I wouldn't try overturning them, though).

So long, SUVs. You were the symbol of excess, consumerism run amok and the flawed, too-manipulated arc of American ingenuity.

We won't miss you, and might even need to burn you for warmth. Sorry about that.

#2: Dry Cleaning

Old people love their dry cleaners. They are like a special little shop in a neighborhood overrun with new-fangled restaurants and youth-oriented record shops.

But with the advent of Dryel-like technology and the fast-diminishing need for things like three-piece suits (!) and "business wear," dry cleaners' clock is ticking. Like Netflix and video shoppes or the internet and travel agencies, technology and advances in, well, regular old common sense, is making the need for dry cleaners obsolete.

And thank god. Dry cleaning is a dreadfully harmful business in environmental terms. The main cleaning agent is called Perchloroethylene and it's a, uh, "probable carcinogen" which means it absolutely causes cancer. Even short term exposure to "Perc" (neat! Perc!) can cause dizziness, fatigue, headaches, sweating, incoordination and unconsciousness. That sounds like fun. While long-term exposure can cause liver and kidney damage. Fooking yipes, people. Those tree-huggers in California have even banned the substance (by 2023 lol).

So we'll miss those old racist commmercials and naturally some of these antiques will have to stay open so we can clean wedding dresses and tuxedos or whatever for when we go to the ball, but we don't need one of these on every block in America so ...

Tick f'ing tock.

#1: Blockbuster Video

Also known as "the worst video store on the planet earth," every Blockbuster(R) comes stocked with a slim selection of movies in general and a huge amount of utter crap movies.

Guaranteed in Stock! What Happens in Vegas!

Fantastic.

My revolt for Blockbuster(R) was official when, upon looking for videos to play at a disco DJ night, I went inside of one of these dinosaurs to find any movie related to disco music. Did they have Xanadu? Of course not. What about Studio 54? Negatory.

So I figured they must have Saturday Night Fever. One of the most iconic films of all time, one of the biggest, uh, blockbusters of all time. By some accounts, the greatest movie of all time.

Not in stock. Not even available to rent, mind you.

So goodbye, Blockbuster(R). As Netflix, On-Demand movies, teh interbutz and grocery store DVD vending machines take over your space in the backwater of culture, I do not know what will take over at the thousands of storefronts you have across America, but I know it won't be as bad as you.